Nearly thirty years ago, the toy company Hasbro released a line of action figures called Transformers. Since then, Michael Bay has made three movies based on the toys clocking in at a combined time of a little more than seven and a half hours, nearly all of which are complete shit. I’ve never been Michael Bay’s biggest supporter and I’ve tried to enjoy his movies for the special effects fests that they are, but to do so with this series is an act of futility. Though admittedly “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” is a more enjoyable experience than its predecessor, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” that is in no way is a compliment to this movie.

I suppose the best place to start when describing this absolute turd of a movie is with the point on which the entire series pivots, Optimus Prime. As the most popular and recognized character, Optuimus Prime is the kick-ass, but benevolent leader of the Autobots. He fights when he must, but he ultimately desires peace for his people and humanity. This idea is thrown out the window and run over by a passing car in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” For some reason Optimus Prime has become a sadistic asshole, capable of being complacent in genocide, and brutally eviscerating a number of his enemies. He lets Chicago burn to the ground, and stood by as thousands of people are gunned down and vaporized just to prove a point to human leaders who would not listen to his advice. He literally could have stepped in at any time and stopped the killing! Are you kidding me? When he finally does show up to “save the day,” Optimus Prime adds insult to injury by brutally slaughtering a number of Decipticons by ripping their throats out, bashing through their torsos, and disemboweling them. Two Decipticons even try to call a truce and are practically begging for their lives, and he executes them in cold blood. I know that they’re only CG robots in a movie, but I have a hard time even picturing Rambo doing what Optimus Prime does in this movie.

For the life of me I can’t figure out why humans, particularly Shia LaBeouf are even in this movie. They bring nothing to the table except silly, inane dialogue I don’t care to hear. The feature of these movies is always the transformers. Earth is little more than an arena for the fight between the Autobots and the Decepticons. Shia LaBeouf plays the often annoying, but always lucky everyman (or what I think is supposed to be an everyman) who somehow manages to get insanely hot girlfriends. He fumbles around in a fight and always seems to make the other Autobots go out of their way to save him. Over the course of three movies I have never figured out why they keep coming back to him since he always seems to make their jobs harder as the damsel in distress. Even though humans are almost entirely useless in this movie, if they’re going to have screen time, they should at least consider having Shia LaBeouf sleep around with other insanely hot women who never close their mouths to help me pass the time a little better.

A relatively minor complaint I had with this movie was how it whored itself out to product placement. I understand it’s necessary to do this to help lower the cost of a movie for the studio, but I can not stand it when it is shoved in my face every five seconds. I’m not some dog that is going to start salivating every time I see a Lenovo laptop. Strangely enough, the worst offender in the movie was Waste Management. I’ve seen a lot of movies feature drinks, shoes, candy, you name it. Seeing product placement for throwing out trash is a new one by me.

“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” is a total piece of shit, a complete waste of time, and it’s terrible even for a Michael Bay movie. It was so painful to watch that it wasn’t until after it was over that I noticed someone had stabbed me in the leg. Do yourself a favor and stay away from this movie.

for how turning Optimus Prime into a homicidal maniac would be like casting Elijah Wood in the role of Genghis Khan.